The Floridiot Files

Man blames in-flight masturbation on spilled Tobasco

A Florida man was arrested for exposing himself and possibly masturbating on a flight while sitting next to a 17 year old girl. His excuse? He claims to have spilled Tobasco on his groin and was "massaging" it to deal with the "incredible itch" that resulted.

The police did not buy his explanation.

Read the Police Report at The Smoking Gun

Nice Try: Blame the Cat

Problem: you’ve been charged with possession of child pornography after more than 1000 such images are found on your computer.

Solution: Blame the cat!

According to this Sun Sentinel story, a defendant told detectives he found “strange material downloaded” after his cat jumped on his keyboard while he was out of the room. For 1000 images, that cat must have done a LOT of jumping. No word on wether police have interviewed the cat.

Nice Try: Getting out of a Traffic Stop

Problem: you’re a felon in possession of a gun, driving around on a suspended license, and you’re about to be stopped by police.

Solution: why, just call in an armed robbery a few blocks away, and the police will leave to answer it!

Unfortunately it didn’t work out so well for this guy. Another unit saw him ditch his car (leaving the engine running and his gun behind, under some Cheetos). They found him and eventually connected him with the 911 call, so his ruse only managed to add “Misuse of 911” and “obstruction” to his charges.