The Floridiot Files

Breaking News! Fidel Castro Arrested in Miami!

...for driving on a permanently suspended driver’s license.

Castro was arrested Friday about 1:31 a.m. in a white Ford pickup truck on Southwest 23rd Street and 34th Avenue.


OK, so it’s not that Fidel Castro. This one is only 32 years old, and does not wear a beard or track suit. According to the Herald article:

At least 33 Fidel Castros with different dates of birth have been arrested in Miami-Dade over the decades, jail records show. The charges range from petty theft to cocaine possession to racketeering

Mystery Shoes Clog Expressway

Thousands of used shoes mysteriously appeared covering a half mile of Miami highway during rush hour this morning. The police are not sure where the shoes came from -- no signs of a crash, and nobody has claimed them. A private contractor brought in a front end loader and a dump truck to clear them. It took almost two hours to clear the road, and traffic backed up more than a mile at one point.

Story here and here.

My theory? Bungled arms shipment to militant anti-Bush journalists.

A little light driving

MIAMI (CBS4) ― Imagine trying to strap a light pole, at least 30 feet long, to the roof of an Astro mini-van. Now imagine driving through busy downtown Miami traffic with that pole tied to your vehicle. That's exactly what cops say Elio Valerio and a friend did just before they were pulled over.
[...]
He managed to drive all the way from 83rd and Biscayne Boulevard to Northwest 7th Avenue and Northwest 21st Street.


Story with video here. Google Maps says thats about a 5 mile, 15 minute drive through downtown with the stolen street light pole strapped to his minivan!

Recently cowering naked local addict...

Another oldie but a goodie. This is from an email I sent my Dad & awesome Stepmom a couple years ago when they were planning a trip down. Unfortunately I can no longer find a link to this one, but I swear I really did see this story on local TV news.

Hi guys! Hope you're still planning on coming!

Not to discourage you, but after seeing the following story on last night's news, I thought it would be best to prepare you for a visit to South Florida, where anything and everything happens. If you're familiar with any of our previous work:

  • Assorted Hurricanes
  • New home of OJ Simpson
  • The Elian Gonzales case
  • The 2000 Election
  • Home of several 9/11 hijackers
  • Anthrax attack
Yesterday in Homestead, near Miami, a man who apparently feared he had overdosed on drugs left his house, sprinted three blocks down the street while naked, and burst into an occupied home. He sat on the couch for a few moments while the startled family stared at him. At that point, he apparently became scared, got up and moved the couch, and cowered behind it for a several minutes.

At that point he got up, ran into the kitchen, took a gallon of milk from their fridge, and left the house. He stopped and boarded a "special needs" schoolbus, and forced the driver to take him to the hospital. When they arrived, he ran into the hospital and, still naked and carrying a gallon of milk, hurdled the counter at the admissions desk and demanded to be treated.

I think we've really outdone ourselves with this one. It's hard to even fit all the wackiness into a single headline! "Recently cowering naked local addict hijacks special ed schoolbus with stolen milk jug, demands treatment".

Anyway, hope that didn't scare you off! See you soon! And be prepared!