The Floridiot Files

Man Steals Hearse During Funeral

Highlights of this story:

  • Man steals a hearse during a funeral
  • Takes it to his house and asks relatives if they want a ride
  • On the way back to the funeral home, gets involved in a police pursuit
  • Drives towards an officer, who shoots him in the leg
  • Returns the car to the funeral home before the service ends
  • He is then arrested

I think getting involved in a police chase and then shot by police while returning a stolen vehicle is what really makes this one classic!

No word on how the funeral proceeded after that (with the addition of a bullet hole in the hearse?)

Mug Shot of the Week


LOVE, ROBERT1

Charge: Assignation of Prostitution
Orange County

Meet Mr. Love (real name!). The John Waters mustache really completes the look, I think...

Floridiots afoot!

Picked up by a Texas TV station no less, we have this story:

A Florida firefighter who admitted taking a severed foot from an accident scene has resigned.

St. Lucie County Fire Chief Ron Parrish said Cindy Economou, a 14 year veteran and former firefighter of the year for St. Lucie County, resigned after she was presented with the investigation report into the incident.

He said after seeing the report, which found her at fault for removing the foot, she resigned.

Parrish wouldn't say if she was encouraged to resign or if she did so voluntarily.

[...]

Economou admitted to investigators that she removed the foot, which had been severed in the crash, so that she could take it home to help train cadaver dogs, a hobby of hers.

Cross Dressing Purse Snatcher caught

From TCPalm, a followup to this earlier item:

PORT ST. LUCIE — A cross-dressing robber accused of snatching a 74-year-old woman's purse in St. Lucie West in September before a faux breast popped out of his tube top was arrested Friday as he sat in the Orange County jail, a sergeant said Monday.
[...]
"I started screaming, saying the woman had stolen my purse, and (a witness) said, 'That wasn't a woman,'" Fournier recalled. "I said, 'Are you sure,' and she said 'I'm positive,' she said, 'See what fell out of the top of his blouse.'"

Sandwich Attacks on the Rise

Two different incidents in St. Lucie County of assaults with sandwiches!

The first:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving.
[...]
He was arrested, jailed and later freed on $7,500 bail.

Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved.


And the second:

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. —  Police say a Port St. Lucie man was arrested for throwing a sandwich at his girlfriend, the second food attack that sent a man to jail in about a month.
[...]
Rubin admitted to throwing the food but not hitting her. He was arrested Friday and faces a battery charge.Last month, another man was arrested on a battery charge for hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and nearly causing a traffic crash.

Breast Pump Bandits caught

Police have now caught the two men who stole $15,000 worth of breast pumps to sell on eBay.

The original theft was reported in First Coast News:

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL -- Port St. Lucie, Florida police are looking for two Coral Springs men who they suspect stole more than four dozen breast pumps from a local Babies "R" Us store.

[...]

The fashion police are also investigating

Pay particular attention to the description of the perp in the last paragraph.

From TCPalm:

PORT ST. LUCIE — A cross-dressing robber snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse in St. Lucie West on Tuesday before a faux breast popped out of his tube top, according to a police report released Thursday.

The alleged female-impersonating robber then hopped into a four-door silver getaway car occupied by possibly two other men in drag and sped off, leaving the victim and the faux breast — a water-filled condom in a white gym sock — at the scene.

"We're processing the condom for latent prints," said Officer Robert Vega, police spokesman.

The victim was pushed to the ground and sustained minor injuries in the incident at the Sears on St. Lucie West Boulevard.

Police also recovered two hairs on the sock that might be chest hairs. Investigators are submitting them for DNA analysis.

The assailant wore a short jean skirt, tube top and white flip-flops, weighs 130 to 140 pounds and is of thin build. He sported shoulder-length hair with maroon hair attachments in a dreadlocks style.

A little light driving

MIAMI (CBS4) ― Imagine trying to strap a light pole, at least 30 feet long, to the roof of an Astro mini-van. Now imagine driving through busy downtown Miami traffic with that pole tied to your vehicle. That's exactly what cops say Elio Valerio and a friend did just before they were pulled over.
[...]
He managed to drive all the way from 83rd and Biscayne Boulevard to Northwest 7th Avenue and Northwest 21st Street.


Story with video here. Google Maps says thats about a 5 mile, 15 minute drive through downtown with the stolen street light pole strapped to his minivan!

Mug Shot of the Week

339208

Charge: DUI
Pasco County

From the picture, I’m guessing he was well over the limit...

Not at all suspicious!

Another old one I had noted...

From the "how not to draw attention to yourself" department:

Blood-Soaked Customer Arrested

NAPLES, Florida (AP) -- A man who walked into a Wal-Mart covered in blood and bought garbage bags Friday was charged with murder after authorities found a stabbed body in a trash bin.

Wal-Mart workers called deputies after a blood-soaked man walked into the store and bought some clothes, bandages and trash bags around 4 a.m. He paid with a $100 bill that also appeared to be bloodstained, they said, and drove off in a pickup.



[from a CNN story, link now expired]

Recently cowering naked local addict...

Another oldie but a goodie. This is from an email I sent my Dad & awesome Stepmom a couple years ago when they were planning a trip down. Unfortunately I can no longer find a link to this one, but I swear I really did see this story on local TV news.

Hi guys! Hope you're still planning on coming!

Not to discourage you, but after seeing the following story on last night's news, I thought it would be best to prepare you for a visit to South Florida, where anything and everything happens. If you're familiar with any of our previous work:

  • Assorted Hurricanes
  • New home of OJ Simpson
  • The Elian Gonzales case
  • The 2000 Election
  • Home of several 9/11 hijackers
  • Anthrax attack
Yesterday in Homestead, near Miami, a man who apparently feared he had overdosed on drugs left his house, sprinted three blocks down the street while naked, and burst into an occupied home. He sat on the couch for a few moments while the startled family stared at him. At that point, he apparently became scared, got up and moved the couch, and cowered behind it for a several minutes.

At that point he got up, ran into the kitchen, took a gallon of milk from their fridge, and left the house. He stopped and boarded a "special needs" schoolbus, and forced the driver to take him to the hospital. When they arrived, he ran into the hospital and, still naked and carrying a gallon of milk, hurdled the counter at the admissions desk and demanded to be treated.

I think we've really outdone ourselves with this one. It's hard to even fit all the wackiness into a single headline! "Recently cowering naked local addict hijacks special ed schoolbus with stolen milk jug, demands treatment".

Anyway, hope that didn't scare you off! See you soon! And be prepared!


In the beginning, there was stupid.

I've been noticing for a while that a lot of the "stupid criminals" news stories seem originate in this state. I started cataloging some of these items on my personal blog, but there were so many stories it was taking over, so I decided to start a dedicated blog. Please share any items you find!

To kick things off, two classics from my blog:

First there is this one out of Ocala, FL, where a bank robber used his own personal check, with his name on it, as a robbery note.

Second, and the best I've seen in quite some time, is this story (be sure to watch the video), from Deland, FL where a guy tries to use a dried up palm frond as a weapon to rob a convenience store. Besides the hilarious dialogue, weird gestures (I like the way he shakes his hand "Hey!" when the clerk touches him), putting his shirt over his head like the Bazooka Joe character, and the fact that he is shooed out with a stool, the funniest thing is of course his choice of weapon. Someone pointed out to me that even doing the old "my hand in my jacket pocket is a gun" routine would have worked better, which is a good point. I think it says something about your skills as a robber when you choose to intimidate using a real "weapon" that is less effective than an imaginary one.